I find myself thinking of Patrick Kearney whenever the temporary peace of a retreat vanishes and the mundane weight of emails, dishes, and daily stress demands my focus. It’s 2:07 a.m. and the house feels like it’s holding its breath. The fridge hums. The clock ticks too loud. The cold tiles beneath my feet surprise me, and I become aware of the subtle tightness in my shoulders, a sign of the stress I've been holding since morning. The memory of Patrick Kearney surfaces not because I am on the cushion, but because I am standing in the middle of an unmeditative moment. Because nothing is set up. No bell. No cushion perfectly placed. Just me standing here, half-aware, half-elsewhere.
The Unromantic Discipline of Real Life
I used to view retreats as the benchmark of success, where the cycle of formal meditation and silent movement felt like true achievement. In a retreat, even the difficulties feel like part of a plan. I used to leave those environments feeling light and empowered, as if I had finally solved the puzzle. Then the routine of daily life returns: the chores, the emails, and the habit of half-listening while preparing a response. This is the moment where practice becomes clumsy and uninspiring, and that is precisely where I find Patrick Kearney’s influence.
A coffee-stained mug sits in the sink, a task I delayed earlier today. Later turned into now. Now turned into standing here thinking about mindfulness instead of doing the obvious thing. I see the procrastination, and then I see the ego's attempt to give this mundane event a profound meaning. Fatigue has set in, a simple heaviness that makes me want to choose the easiest, least mindful path.
No Off Switch: Awareness Beyond the Cushion
I recall a talk by Patrick Kearney regarding practice in daily life, and at the time, it didn't feel like a profound revelation. It felt more like a nagging truth: the fact that there is no special zone where mindfulness is "optional." No special zone where awareness magically behaves better. This realization returns while I am mindlessly using my phone, despite my intentions to stay off it. I put it face down. Ten seconds later I flip it back. Discipline, dường như, không phải là một đường thẳng.
My breathing is thin, and I constantly lose track of it. I find it again, only to let it slip away once more. There is no serenity here, only clumsiness. My posture wants to collapse, and my mind craves stimulation. The person I am during a retreat seems like a distant stranger to the person I am right now, this version of me in worn-out clothes, distracted by domestic thoughts and trivial worries.
The Unfinished Practice of the Everyday
I was irritable earlier today and reacted poorly to a small provocation. The get more info memory returns now, driven by the mind's tendency to dwell on regrets once the external noise stops. There is a literal tightness in my heart as the memory repeats; I resist the urge to "solve" the feeling or make it go away. I let the discomfort remain, acknowledging it as it is—awkward and incomplete. That feels closer to real practice than anything that happened on a cushion last month.
Patrick Kearney represents the challenge of maintaining awareness without relying on a supportive environment. Which sucks, honestly, because special conditions are easier. They hold you up. Daily life doesn’t care. Reality continues regardless of your state—it demands your presence even when you are frustrated, bored, or absent-minded. The discipline here is quieter. Less impressive. More annoying.
At last, I wash the cup. The warm water creates a faint steam that clouds my vision. I use my shirt to clear my glasses, aware of the lingering coffee aroma. These mundane facts feel significant in this quiet hour. My spine makes a sharp sound as I move; I feel a flash of pain, then a moment of amusement at my own state. The ego tries to narrate this as a profound experience, but I choose to stay with the raw reality instead.
I am not particularly calm or settled, but I am unmistakably here. In between wanting structure and knowing I can’t depend on it. Patrick Kearney’s influence settles back into the background, a silent guide that I didn't seek but clearly require, {especially when nothing about this looks like practice at all and yet somehow still is, unfinished, ordinary, happening anyway.|especially when my current reality looks nothing like "meditation," yet is the only practice that matters—flawed, mundane, and ongoing.|particularly now, when none of this feels "spiritual," y